So many things can block me off from God, my higher power or whatever you want to call it. And judging others is one of those defects of characters that, when turned on “high” is as ugly as it gets,
and disconnects me, often leaving me unsettled and emotionally unbalanced. When I am judging I am not in a place of acceptance, therefore most likely pissed off or having some unresolved issue, or pressure within my own life.
Here’s a perfect example: I know a guy at a recovery meeting I attend and he is constantly texting (I am sure we all know one of these guys). Recently I became so fixated on his fucking texting, not even able to hear the message in the meeting, and let’s face it, it’s a major distraction when someone is doing this. I am wishing I can just take his iphone and throw it across the room.
Midway through the meeting I realize a few things: number one, it’s none of my fucking business what this guy does and since when is it my job to care what he does during a meeting? Why is it bothering me so much? Why is it such a big deal? (Part of me believes it’s just disrespectful to the meeting, but that’s just my belief, and I am not the governor of anything)and I try my very best to always have my phone off or in the car during a meeting to respect the recovery program as well as to set an example to others, plus, my sponsor told me once upon a time, “Leave your fucking phone in the fucking car!”
So, I there I was in a massive place of judging, missing 25 minutes of a meeting, because Mr. Verizon wants to text and not listen. I pulled myself out of it by realizing I already had three thing on my plate for that day that had me on edge (already a bit out of sorts) therefore I used Mr. Verizon to further feed on my ability to get a little more agitated and only self implode, and where did it get me? Nowhere…and I can laugh at this now because we get to learn as we go in recovery, and I now laugh at this guy every time I see him because he still does the same thing, and you know what? It’s none of my business what Mr. Verizon does…as far as I know he just might be texting one of his many sponsees or he’s on Ashley Madison.com (I’ll go with the latter).
I love having to a sense of humor in my recovery when I can, because I can tell you I had lost all ability to laugh for many years towards the end of my addiction. When I get into this head space of judgment I kindly ask God (not verbally) to remove this judgment and make an amends for my thinking this way, for picking someone apart either in a meeting, on the road, or in the supermarket. This doesn’t happen nearly as often as it used to, and I’m happy to report that.
But, I must remember, these are flaws that arrive within my mind or wherever they come from that before I got clean and sober I had zero coping skills to manage or deal with. In the disease you just plow through everything and not giving a damn about the aftermath.
Today, it’s so easy to identify my emotional troubles or why I am spiraling. Sometimes I can take action and correct it quickly, but I am still pretty stubborn so it may take a little while, but eventually it gets corrected. Often, it takes a few phone calls with people I trust in our program of recovery. And that’s a topic I would like to hold off for another day…a topic I believe a whole book could be written on…the “people” we have in our lives…the recovering people we get to share day to day stuff with, and walk this new life with…for without them, this life of freedom would not be possible.